Last night, my son had his eighth grade graduation dance. They called it a "banquet," but I'm calling it what it was, a dance. There were 14 year old girls in dresses and heels that had them teetering and tottering on the edge of disaster. There were 14 year old boys in ill-fitting suits with ties awkwardly hung around their necks. There was a DJ and loud music played on an acoustically-challenged sound system with the bass turned all the way up. And there was dancing. Nothing that would win them points from Carrie Ann, Bruno or Len, but dancing nonetheless.
My son took a date, but he was lucky because about two weeks before the "banquet" they decided to put the brakes on the ritual of asking someone to the dance. Anyone who already had a date, fine. But there would be no more asking of girls by boys to this shindig. Evidently, the rumor and gossip and drama of junior high was just too much and the administration had had enough. For the good of all the students having a good time, they were putting an end to it.
This is a bad idea. I admire the administrators and teachers for wanting to spare kids' feelings and wanting everyone to enjoy themselves. I understand their intentions.
But they are not doing the kids any favors by eliminating the ritual of a boy summoning the nerve to ask a girl to the dance. Of him practicing the request over and over again for weeks, of his friends prodding him to just do it. Of the girls hoping to be asked, or in some cases, of them going through the same machinations in working the courage to ask one of the boys themselves (since he's just taking too long to ask on his own). Of the joy when she/he says "yes." And also of the hurt when that other person says "no."
In fact, it's the latter that's the more important lesson. Unfortunately, rejection is a part of life. Would that it were not that way, but it is. We all know it. We've all had our hearts broken at some point, be it at 14 or 21 or 30 or 50. And everytime it happens, whenever it happens, it hurts like nothing has ever hurt before. But eventually, you learn to get over it and find that new person who makes your heart jump when he or she walks in a room.
Disappointments are coming for every one of these kids. A team they'll get cut from, a party they won't be invited to, the college acceptance letter that doesn't come and the job interview that doesn't pan out. None of them will be easy, but you learn to deal with them because you have experience to fall back on. You know that things will get better, because you've been there before and it did then, so it will now.
Shielding kids from unnecessary pain and suffering is a good thing. Believe me, if I could figure out a way that my kids never had to experience any of it, I would. But it's impossible. And because it is, I know they need to experience it in the small doses now so they can better cope with potentially larger doses down the line.
In the end, pretending that it's not a dance or eliminating dates is not preparing the kids for anything. Sometimes, even the best of intentions are missplaced.
