Suckered you in. I hate Halloween, have since I was a kid. I know the kids love it, and that's fine. But Halloween for adults is another story. Because now that I'm grown up (at least in the chronological sense) I don't have to dress up. Or if I want to, I can do it any time I want.
A friend created a "I Hate Dressing Up for Halloween" group on Facebook and I was proud to be one of the first to join (Thanks Nick!).
So here's what I will NOT be dressing up as for Halloween:
I will not be dressing up as anything super, scary or funny; as anything silly, ironic or campy; or in anything requiring make-up, masks, wigs, tights, hats, gloves, colored contact lenses, fake appendages, fake blood, props, nail polish, charcoal, dark glasses, uncomfortable shoes, fruit, vegetables, small animals, large animals, farm animals, stemware, tinfoil, cardboard in any form, power tools, paper products, jewelry, small appliances, oversized clothing, undersized clothing, revealing clothing, itchy clothing, balloons, luggage, buckets, garden hoses, coaxial cable, burlap, meat, light bulbs, gasoline, pencil shavings, faux fur, faux vomit, anything involving the word faux, magnets, ink, tomato juice, uncooked pasta in any form, plastic bags of all shapes and sizes, tape, carpet, rubber, floral arrangements, nitrous oxide, hots, sharps, dairy products, mesh, meth, monkeys, dentures, grease, padlocks, stencils, pocket change, musical instruments, office supplies or anything I may have left out that would make me feel/look silly, stupid or even vaguely uncomfortable.
What I will be doing?
I'll be dressing up as the guy who sits on a lawn chair on his driveway and hands out candy to the kids, enjoying the cute little ones while keeping an eye for the slightly older little bastards to make sure they don't mess up my shit.
And trick or treating ends at 7 pm in my neighborhood. Don't show up on my doorstep at 7:10.
Yeah, I'm THAT guy.
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