I can't do this anymore...

That's it. It's over. After last night, I just can't do this with you any more. This just isn't working out and I think we'd be better off apart from one another.

I know we've been together a really long time. When I met you, I was just a kid and I didn't know what I was getting myself into. I didn't understand the pain that you would cause me over the years. You were my great love and we'd spend every summer together. When you would go away in the fall, I'd miss you all winter long. I'd count the days until the weather turned warm again and you would come back.

You've always been a bit superficial, more concerned with what you looked like than what you actually were. In my younger days, that didn't bother me so much. You looked good to me, I loved you no matter what. When friends wondered what we were doing together, I always defended you, always said you had my heart. Many people tried to get me to forsake you for others, tried to hook me up with another. Especially my friends who wanted to set me up with the one across town. "She's a little crazy and rough around the edges, but a lot more fun!" I never would.

We had many crazy, wonderful nights together. Remember Pittsburgh in 1984? What about going up to Montreal in 1989? Even those nights in Atlanta and Miami in 2003. They were some of the best nights of my life, and at those moments I didn't think it could have been any better, and I couldn't have loved you more.

But the problem is, after every one of those good times, you'd go off and break my heart, just a week or two later. You did it in San Diego. And again in San Francisco. Hell, in 2003 you came back home and did it to me here in Chicago.

Maybe I'm the one who's superficial. I mean, I have to be honest. A big problem here is that I have needs, and you just wouldn't go all the way. I think you wanted to, but somehow, things always ended with me feeling unfulfilled and disappointed.

But what happened last night just tells me that you won't ever change, and that you just don't care. Oh, you're still popular and everyone likes to hang out with you at your house, but for all the wrong reasons. And I can't any more. I want more than this.

Maybe I'll feel differently later. Maybe you'll finally realize the error of your ways and really commit to this relationship. But until then, I just have to be away from you for awhile.

I'd love to tell you that it's not you, it's me. But that would be a lie.

It's you.

Goodbye Cubs.

Instant Gratification

I'm already worried that I don't like where this is going.

Since he took over, new Cubs owner Tom Ricketts has made a point of saying that the goal of the new owners is to win the World Series.

Amen to that.

And then he mentions making improvements.

A second amen, 'cus this team needs improvements.

But the improvements he invariably winds up talking about center around things like cosmetic and structural changes at Wrigley Field, ballpark advertising and a new spring training facility in Mesa.

Nary a mention of finding a reliable number 4 or 5 starting pitcher, a reliable set-up guy out of the bullpen, addressing the mediocrity at 2nd base or getting a strong left-handed bat off the bench.

You know, the things that actually help you win a World Series.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the new Cubs owners -- and they sound an awful lot like the former Cubs owners, more interested in the revenue stream than moving a runner from first to third or turning a double play.

Unfair assessment? Too early to tell? Perhaps.

But if one more person tells me to be patient, I'm going to take a Louisville Slugger -- you know, that stick that Alfonso Soriano swings and misses with -- and smack them in the head. No, I will not be patient, and neither should any other Cub fan. This team has not won the World Series in over 100 years and hasn't been to one since before my father was born.

No, I will not be patient. I want my World Series. And I want it NOW. There's no room for goodwill, no room for player development or building for the future. Screw that. I don't care about 2011, 2012 or beyond. Win me the Series this year and you'll buy yourself breathing room. Be the Yankees, BUY the title. I don't care.

But I'm sick of waiting, my patience is used up. I'm 42 years old today. I ain't a kid anymore.

Win me pennant goddammit. I deserve it.

It's not racism. It's because you suck...

Hey, Milton! It's not racism. It has nothing to do with you being black, white, green or blue.

You suck. The team sucks. And we're tired of it. We're tired of false-promises, of free agents who walk around in a funk for half the season and finally start hitting the ball when the race is over. Who can't count to 3 but can count their $30 million.

Go ahead and pad your stats now that the games are meaningless. Maybe you'll convince another gullible GM to think that his organization can get you to play to your potential and be a valuable teammate. Fine with me, just as long as you go.

But it's not because of race, it's because you're all underachievers and we don't want to wait another 100 years.

You're not the only one. The window of opportunity for this team has slammed shut. Time to blow it all up and start over.

Big Z -- We're all really tired of the act. Grow up. To paraphrase Bull Durham, "You've got a million dollar arm and a five cent head." If you're ever going to realize the vast potential you have, you need to leave the coddling country club that is Wrigley Field and go somewhere where they'll make you work or ship your behind to Triple A. Enough. Bye.

Fukodome -- One of the largest disappointments ever. That great batting eye that Sports Illustrated featured early last year, where did that go? No power, low average, poor defense. But that contract? How do you say "laughing all the way to the bank" in Japanese?

Kevin Gregg -- this guy couldn't close a door...

Derrek Lee, Ted Lilly and Aramis Ramirez -- it's a shame, but we need prospects and you guys are tradable commodities. Besides, you're not going to win the Series here in the time left in your careers, so you'd be better off somewhere else.

Alfonso Soriano -- It only took a couple of years for us to finally figure out you cannot hit leadoff. And you're the worst leftfielder we've had since Dave Kingman. And that's saying something when you're patrolling the same patch of grass as guys like Steve Henderson and Glenallen Hill.

Keep Theriot, Fontenot and Soto, although Geo, maybe you could pass up seconds at the dinner table this off-season, OK? Keep Samardzija, but make up your damn minds on what role you want him to play.

I can’t help my allegiance to the team, they’re my team. But I really, REALLY despise all the rest of it -- Sammy Nation, Cubby Blue, Ronnie Woo-Woo, Bleacher Bums, Lovable Losers, Santo’s legs, “Let’s play two”, the ivy, baseball in sunshine, “who cares if the Cubs lose, we just love coming out to the ballpark,” all the crap. They come with so much goddamn baggage. I don’t even enjoy going to the ballpark anymore, because it’s a freaking circus. I won’t just swallow what they put out there, and that puts me in the minority. I guess I’m a Cub fan with a Southside Sox fan’s mentality. Hell, Sox fans don't go to the games even when their team's winning.

The last few years just have killed me. Five outs from the fucking World Series, and they blow it. 2004, best damn team they’ve had in my entire lifetime, the first time I could REALLY talk about them and a World Series with a straight face, and they piss the whole thing away bitching and moaning about Steve Stone and Chip Caray. Not to mention playing like complete jackasses the last week and a half of the season when they STILL could have made the playoffs if they could have just taken their head out of their asses. And the last two years? Swept out of the playoffs completely. Last year's team made the choke of 1969 seem like a hiccup.

Win me a pennant goddammit, I deserve it.

But I'm not a racist. I boo you because you didn't do what you were brought here to do - help win the World Series. Don't like it? Make you feel bad? Tough.

RIP (again) Cubs baseball for 2009. It wasn't fun and I'm glad it's over. Enjoy playing out the string and hopefully we won't see some of you at Wrigley Field next season.